Velkomin! Добро пожаловать! Bienvenue! Willkommen! ¡Bienvenido! Καλώς ήρθατε! Welcome!
I started this year with anxious hopefulness and the mindset to kick depression in its metaphoric nuts. I was going to do a blog post every week even if it was just a ramble about this writing thing or that. As I explained in my last post all the things that I have allowed to stop me over the years, I was going to overcome them all if I had to drag myself kicking and screaming. Then something terrible happened early last week.
My aunt passed away suddenly last week. She had fallen and hit her head when she went down. The day following her being found, she was gone. This has ripped open some very old scars for me personally. Without going into gross detail, I will explain why and this is why I was unable to pull myself up by the bootstraps last week to get this post out to all of you.
My father died when I was seven years old. He was older and very sick and he just couldn’t keep fighting all his illnesses anymore. I love my father as much now as I did then, despite all that I have discovered as an adult, I have not fully recovered from his death and it has taken a lot of searching for me to come to terms with that. I honestly may never recover from losing him and that’s okay. I was a small child in a bad situation and he did all that he could before his body just couldn’t anymore. My aunt who has now passed away was his younger sister. Five years ago, on Christmas Day, their youngest brother passed away. I was raised with the impression that my father had no family whatsoever in America and that we were Italian. I was told that all I had was my one half-sister who is twenty years older than me on his side of the family.
That was all lies.
My aunt spent years and years looking for my father after he vanished when he was a young adult and abandoned his family in Ohio. She searched and searched only for the youngest brother to be told by the U.S. Navy that his older brother, who was retired from the U.S. Army, that he had passed away in 1997. They did not know he had more children until 2006 when something had been posted on the old, free, ancestry.com forums about me, my life, and the family I was searching for because I never believed there was no one. My aunt found that post and knew from the dates and locations I was her niece. However, it wasn’t until 2011 that we actually contacted each other and the full truth was revealed.
I have been making plans since then to afford to travel out to where she lived so I could physically meet her and she could meet her great-niece and great-nephew. Unfortunately, that will no longer be something I am able to do at all and though we knew each other for such a short period of time, I feel the wounds of losing my father tearing themselves open once again for her. She showed me parts of my father I was never allowed to see before. She taught me about my grandparents who I never met, she showed me photographs of my father as a small child, which I thought didn’t even exist. She had stories from their childhoods I never heard and not all of them were good, but several were. She loved her older brother, my father, as much as I did. We could sit and just talk about him without any animosity like with my mother or the pure hatred like with my half-sister. She introduced me to her children and my uncle’s daughter who is a few months younger than me and has become one of my best and closest friends. I can never repay all the greatness she has given to my life but the one thing I can do is never forget her kindness, her persistence, and her beautiful soul.
It is very difficult for me to continue my own path and journey, but I know it’s something she would want me to do. She supported all my endeavors, she believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. She never tried to change me and always understood my severe anxiety and depression rather than hating and judging me for it. We will all miss her terribly, yet a part of me is glad. She’s no longer in pain, she’s no longer missing her brothers and father because she has been reunited with them and reunited our family before she was gone. She has rejoined our ancestors and though none of us were ready to let her go, I know she is happier and watching over us in spirit.
I do still intend to achieve my goals for 2017.
Everyone, please try to understand if I am inconsistent for a while, it is because I am grieving a very serious loss. Being pregnant and grieving is not pretty or fun, it’s much more difficult emotionally than it should be. But I am not giving up. She wouldn’t want me to. I will not be as active on social media in posting anything original. I will answer private, direct messages or tagged tweets or posts and comments, but original posts or tweets will be few and far between as I deal with the emotional rollercoaster. I am doing my best to push through the sorrow but do not expect a miracle. I will continue as planned, and I do not intend to take another week off of blog posting unless necessary, meaning I have been hospitalized or something tragic has happened.
I would like to know what you all would like to see more of from me. Life updates? WIP updates? I did want to start some “Invisible Illness” stuff here as well. I know I’m not the only blogger going on about it but there’s never enough and all sufferers are different.
I haven’t written much since last week and I need to use the depression to fuel some words other than blog posts. You can comment what you might like to see more of from me. I would offer book reviews again but I haven’t been reading anything new lately. I made the absurd decision to watch a movie (If I Stay) at the end of the week when I was feeling ill and regretted picking something I had never seen before as I spent an hour and forty-five minutes sobbing over the story and characters. I feel safer reading what I’ve already read before because it isn’t going to rip my beating heart out and put me into another tailspin emotionally. My life has become largely coping for the time being rather than pushing my boundaries like I wanted but just coping and continuing to achieve the goals I set for myself will still be doing better than I was at this time last year.
I do apologize for this being a less upbeat post if that’s what you were hoping for, maybe next week it will be on a higher note. May this serve as a reminder to love your family, you never know when you might lose them.
Many Blessings to You All!