Regarding Mental Health Mondays

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“You cannot sit and wallow in the misery anymore.”

Velkomin! Добро пожаловать! Bienvenue! Willkommen! ¡Bienvenido! Καλώς ήρθατε! Welcome!

I started this year with anxious hopefulness and the mindset to kick depression in its metaphoric nuts. I was going to do a blog post every week even if it was just a ramble about this writing thing or that. As I explained in my last post all the things that I have allowed to stop me over the years, I was going to overcome them all if I had to drag myself kicking and screaming. Then something terrible happened early last week.

My aunt passed away suddenly last week. She had fallen and hit her head when she went down. The day following her being found, she was gone. This has ripped open some very old scars for me personally. Without going into gross detail, I will explain why and this is why I was unable to pull myself up by the bootstraps last week to get this post out to all of you.

My father died when I was seven years old. He was older and very sick and he just couldn’t keep fighting all his illnesses anymore. I love my father as much now as I did then, despite all that I have discovered as an adult, I have not fully recovered from his death and it has taken a lot of searching for me to come to terms with that. I honestly may never recover from losing him and that’s okay. I was a small child in a bad situation and he did all that he could before his body just couldn’t anymore. My aunt who has now passed away was his younger sister. Five years ago, on Christmas Day, their youngest brother passed away. I was raised with the impression that my father had no family whatsoever in America and that we were Italian. I was told that all I had was my one half-sister who is twenty years older than me on his side of the family.

That was all lies.

My aunt spent years and years looking for my father after he vanished when he was a young adult and abandoned his family in Ohio. She searched and searched only for the youngest brother to be told by the U.S. Navy that his older brother, who was retired from the U.S. Army, that he had passed away in 1997. They did not know he had more children until 2006 when something had been posted on the old, free, ancestry.com forums about me, my life, and the family I was searching for because I never believed there was no one. My aunt found that post and knew from the dates and locations I was her niece. However, it wasn’t until 2011 that we actually contacted each other and the full truth was revealed.

I have been making plans since then to afford to travel out to where she lived so I could physically meet her and she could meet her great-niece and great-nephew. Unfortunately, that will no longer be something I am able to do at all and though we knew each other for such a short period of time, I feel the wounds of losing my father tearing themselves open once again for her. She showed me parts of my father I was never allowed to see before. She taught me about my grandparents who I never met, she showed me photographs of my father as a small child, which I thought didn’t even exist. She had stories from their childhoods I never heard and not all of them were good, but several were. She loved her older brother, my father, as much as I did. We could sit and just talk about him without any animosity like with my mother or the pure hatred like with my half-sister. She introduced me to her children and my uncle’s daughter who is a few months younger than me and has become one of my best and closest friends. I can never repay all the greatness she has given to my life but the one thing I can do is never forget her kindness, her persistence, and her beautiful soul.

It is very difficult for me to continue my own path and journey, but I know it’s something she would want me to do. She supported all my endeavors, she believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. She never tried to change me and always understood my severe anxiety and depression rather than hating and judging me for it. We will all miss her terribly, yet a part of me is glad. She’s no longer in pain, she’s no longer missing her brothers and father because she has been reunited with them and reunited our family before she was gone. She has rejoined our ancestors and though none of us were ready to let her go, I know she is happier and watching over us in spirit.

I do still intend to achieve my goals for 2017.

Everyone, please try to understand if I am inconsistent for a while, it is because I am grieving a very serious loss. Being pregnant and grieving is not pretty or fun, it’s much more difficult emotionally than it should be. But I am not giving up. She wouldn’t want me to. I will not be as active on social media in posting anything original. I will answer private, direct messages or tagged tweets or posts and comments, but original posts or tweets will be few and far between as I deal with the emotional rollercoaster. I am doing my best to push through the sorrow but do not expect a miracle. I will continue as planned, and I do not intend to take another week off of blog posting unless necessary, meaning I have been hospitalized or something tragic has happened.

I would like to know what you all would like to see more of from me. Life updates? WIP updates? I did want to start some “Invisible Illness” stuff here as well. I know I’m not the only blogger going on about it but there’s never enough and all sufferers are different.

I haven’t written much since last week and I need to use the depression to fuel some words other than blog posts. You can comment what you might like to see more of from me. I would offer book reviews again but I haven’t been reading anything new lately. I made the absurd decision to watch a movie (If I Stay) at the end of the week when I was feeling ill and regretted picking something I had never seen before as I spent an hour and forty-five minutes sobbing over the story and characters. I feel safer reading what I’ve already read before because it isn’t going to rip my beating heart out and put me into another tailspin emotionally. My life has become largely coping for the time being rather than pushing my boundaries like I wanted but just coping and continuing to achieve the goals I set for myself will still be doing better than I was at this time last year.

I do apologize for this being a less upbeat post if that’s what you were hoping for, maybe next week it will be on a higher note. May this serve as a reminder to love your family, you never know when you might lose them.

Many Blessings to You All!

The First 10 Days

Velkomin! Добро пожаловать! Bienvenue! Willkommen! ¡Bienvenido! Καλώς ήρθατε!

Welcome everyone, to the end of the first 10 days of NaNoWriMo! That’s right, we’re a week and a half in already! For everyone who has made your word count goal, congratulations! I, however, sit on the other side of the court with those of us suffering from whatever ails us this NaNoWriMo season with a far behind word count and much disappointment in myself. Why, you ask? Well, it’s a long and complicated explanation that ends in a bittersweet conclusion. Sounds like a book, doesn’t it? Sadly, it’s far from being that fabulous.

NaNoWriMo Day: 10
Current WC: 303
Words Remaining: 49,697
Days Remaining: 20

The Breakdown

  • Day 1 – 4: I hit at or over my target word count and was certain of what I was doing with all the way to chapter ten roughly outlined. And it really was a great idea, something I haven’t seen anyone else do before that would be interesting for the Paranormal Romance genre. But I didn’t like where it was going or anything that had happened or even the style I was writing it. Everything just turned to a steaming pile, you know?
  • Day 5: The entire day was spent debating the MMC’s next move. In all honesty, I became torn between two separate personalities that couldn’t mesh together. I discussed the matter in-depth with Hubby (because he is amazing and will let me vent when I need to) and he thought the logical answer, yet the character told me the opposite.
  • Day 6 – 8: More plotting and character building which I didn’t count toward my word count considering what I am trying to produce I want to sell afterward.
  • Day 9: The Delete happened. I erased the document I was working on, kept all my notes, and started over again. Lest I smash things with a hammer in frustration. Hubby even applauded the Delete due to the stress it was causing.
  • Day 10: I had to take the day off to recover from The Delete, because the problem now is rewriting and catching up. An easy task that does not make.

It’s not very eventful but I had a serious problem with the characters, then the overall piece when I sat back to look it over out of curiosity. According to the Husband, I’m over-analyzing my work, and I probably am, but I feel I can do infinitely better than what I originally produced.

I have fixed the character issues I had before and worked out the plot holes I found to give me a better guide as I go along. The background information and reference pictures are sorted into neat, concise piles for me to review as I work them into the MS, which I’m hoping will make building everything easier. With the amount of reorganization I’ve done with my laptop files and the various programs I have found that help with my process, I should be able to sit back after having today off and really churn out some words.

I intend to return to my normal posting schedule, if nothing else, I will post every ten days of NaNoWriMo to update on my progress.

Good luck fellow WriMos!

Bless! До свидания! Au revoir! Auf Wiedersehen! ¡Adiós! Αντίο!

New Blog Schedule!

Hi everyone!

I mentioned last week that I was going to start blogging and writing again now that I am able, so here is the new schedule! Mondays I will be doing book reviews which will go here as well as on my Goodreads, I read mostly NA and PNR but I have a number of other genres I haven’t read yet and are sitting in the ‘book drawer’ collecting dust. Because I have a number of physical copies that is constantly growing because we live 2 miles from a Books-A-Million, those are what I will focus on first. These are series books as well so I will do them by series up to the last in the series I completed. The first three series have been chosen already; The Black Dagger Brotherhood Series by J.R. Ward, The Demonica Series by Larissa Ione, The Midnight Breed Series by Lara Adrian. Wednesdays will be a mixture day, it could be a review or it could be an update, or even just a snippet of what I’m working on. I’m calling Wednesday posts ‘Chaos Posts’ because they can be anything. Saturdays will be a weekly report on drafting and editing of the various WIPs I have been working on. I will also continue my WIPMarathon reports and updates as those dates go by. I will be participating in NaNoWriMo 2014 this year as well which means October-December the schedule will likely change until NaNo is over.

Unfortunately I do not have a book review prepared for this week’s start, so it will be up on Wednesday, but that does give you guys, and gals, a chance to decide which series you might like me to start with. Since they will be book-by-book series reviews I will go in order from the first to last and when the series ends I will also put up an ‘Overall Series Review’ but that is some time away considering all these series are still going. With all that being said, I truly look forward to finally being back on track with everything.